Work

Work seems to be the only thing going on in my life right now. It’s not necessarily a bad thing though.

Work is such a positive thing for me as it’s the only productive thing I’ve managed to do this summer thus far. It’s not even for the money really. Like, I don’t make bank working at a restaurant and what I do make will quickly go away anyways once I am in college and potentially get a first car.

Instead, work keeps me busy. It gives me something to do, and an excuse not to do things I don’t want to. My coworkers all love me which is just another reason to love my job. For example, tonight a waitress told me I’m hands down the best busser at the restaurant. She also told the a manager I’m the best and the manager told her that even though I’m new, she agrees I’m one of the strongest.

Tonight another waitress also told me I’m cute and nerdy. Lastly, a waiter told me he wished I could stay longer when I got cut. And that’s all in 1 night. There have been similar experiences other nights.

That’s why I love my job – I get compliments. Something I’m not used to getting daily.

I think that just ultimately goes back to the fact of low self confidence. I’m really not confident in myself at all but, at work I can fake it ’til I make it.

It made me so sad when I went in my parents’ bedroom for something and on my father’s dresser I saw a book about raising your child’s self confidence. This was a few years ago but still, seeing your dad trying to help you on something he can notice is wrong certainly doesn’t help my confidence at all.

Let’s move onto the car part as I’m feeling done with self pity at the moment. I’m hoping with the money I’m making I’ll eventually be able to get a car maybe this year or next year. Having a car would at least give me some more freedom than I have now. The only reason I’d need a car it to drive to the train station I’m taking into college everyday. Maybe work, but I can constantly borrow one of my parents cars. I guess I would be relying on them less though, and being independent always seems to be a good trait.

Oh well, good night.

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My sexuality?

I’m not really sure how to handle this situation. I’m pretty sure I’m bi as I’ve done things with guys and girls and enjoyed it so I can be attracted to people of both sexes.

A few months back I was having Skype sex with a guy and my parents eventually found out and then they yelled at me. Saying they were concerned for my safety and all this other crap. I told them well if they don’t like it then maybe I should just kill myself (This was when I still cut on a daily basis and wanted to scare them). Then of course I got yelled at for playing on their feeling blah blah blah. I just told them I’m bi and I don’t give a shit what they think and went to my room.

Later my mom came up to my room telling me she’s proud of me for being brave enough to tell them. I was being interrogated and they caught me having sex with a guy online so it should’ve been obvious anyways. Anyways, I went to a psychiatrist for a while and she didn’t do much as far as making me feel better about myself.

I’ve done cam shows for money and am now considering doing them again (don’t worry I’m 18). I have a part time job but I feel the only way I’ll be able to pay for college and get a car is if I expose myself to strangers on the internet for money. It really feels like a good option right now.

I meant this girl online and had a great time talking and stuff. I don’t mean like I want a relationship with her but we had a lot of fun exploring my sexuality. The whole experience was really hot to be honest and hopefully will happen again.

I’m thinking to get my haircut and maybe get the hipster style glass frames just to have a better chance of landing a nice girlfriend in college.

I’ve been toying with the idea of making a Facebook post telling everyone I know that I’m Bi or if I should still just keep it a secret. I don’t know what to do.

Please help me

New ___

It seems like everything I’m doing now is new. New school, new job, new driving privileges, new spare time. Most young adults my age would be thrilled to have accomplished these things, I’m not one of them.

The first thing I mentioned was school. I’ll be commuting to save money but if I had the option I’d be living on campus or in an apartment. I hope college isn’t as hard as a picture it because during orientation the incoming freshman were told to study 2-3 hours a week per credit hour. Do the math, 15 credit hours is 30-45 hours of studying per week and that’s insane! I don’t even know what I want to be so I’m just studying my favorite subject in high school and I’ll see where that gets me. Might need to make a change in my major but I know the Bio field is where I belong and it appears to be a safe way to go.

The new bussing job has been good actually. The coworkers are friendly and it’s an easy job. The only downside is I don’t get as many hours as I would hope like but I’m new so maybe I should expect that in the beginning. Just hoping that working here will give me enough for a down payment on a used car or something and help with college at the same time.

As far as new driving privileges I got my license. It’s good I got it but I got it a couple of years later than when I could’ve. People talk about that freedom you feel when you drive and I’ve never felt that and might not even have gotten the license if it wasn’t required. Maybe once I get my own car that will change things up though.

Spare time sounds nice but like everything, it’s good in moderation. At the end of school I started watching Friends and now I’m already on season 9. That’s a good indicator of how pathetic my life is. I’ve quit the video games I was playing before and it makes me feel accomplished to have overcome that addiction. By the way I’ve already watched and love Dexter, Breaking Bad, and House of Cards so if you have a recommendation for my next series I’d appreciate it.

Only other thing I’ve done this summer was going to a few graduation parties and I’ll be going to another party with friends later this month. It’s nice to see the few people I care about.

I also want to be getting a girlfriend at some point in college so I can stop being so lonely all the time. Good luck me haha.

For all of these new things my negative attitude brings them down. I somehow need to learn to be happy even if I don’t have a good reason to be happy and I’m just on my bed watching Netflix.

Thanks for reading and hopefully by next time I’ll be in a better mood.

What now?

I graduated high school last week . It feels like forever ago that I graduated. In the fall college starts but I still have a chuck of time between them. I should get a part time job so I’ve applied to a few places already. Getting a job may be the only way I can make it through summer. I’m going to go insane living in my head.

Then there’s the option of obtaining a girlfriend. I probably shouldn’t buy hey, it’s a fun option. Maybe I should. I don’t know what I should do. I hate it when I just completely counter myself like that but I really don’t know what is best for me.

College is one of the only things I can feel that confident in doing. Just because you make significantly more money.

I don’t know guys. I felt like I should make a post. I just don’t know. Sorry

Let’s Keep Exploring

This is it, graduation time. Yet I don’t care. My family insists on having a big party for me but I just can’t see why graduation is so important. Especially when many people believe life is about the journey, not the destination.

A student at a close school to me was in the news for shooting himself at school this week. It has caused much pain to the community as this young man was a track star and had thousands of followers on twitter. Meanwhile, I’m just laying here thinking that I’m not as important as that guy and if I ended my life not many people actually know me. I very rarely find a person I can open up to and when I do it tends to be too much at once. It seems to me that the only people that don’t pull away from my complaining are those that are also depressed.

I’ve been talking to a couple girls at my school who also are fighting this battle. She is amazing and it sucks she is going to college out of state since she is the only one that truly understands me. She’s warned me she pulls away from everyone close to her and she will sometimes pull away I feel by texting short answers but I’m not going to give up. Her family doesn’t support her and they believe depression isn’t real and they’ll tell her to suck it up. Of course, that’s working out great because she wears long sleeves to school even though it’s May in the desert. I just love to talk to her because she is the only one I’ve ever talked to that understands what it’s like. I’ve been to therapists, physiologists, psychiatrists but they don’t know what it’s like.

The first counselor I had gave up on me. Her reasoning was I was too depressed apparently and she didn’t feel comfortable seeing me anymore and send me to a physiologist. The physiologist was nice for a few months. Eventually, I told her she can’t help me and she said if I want to stop seeing her then she is ok with it. Lastly, I go to this psychiatrist who tries to convert me to Hindu. Yep, no professional seems to actually know how to help. They just read something in a textbook or learn how to respond to situations and make people feel better. Sure, it may work for some people but I see right through them.

Wellbutrin was working well for me for a bit. Then hearing about a kid my age ending his life just brought me right back down. I’m not sure how I should feel about it. I could be angry at him for bringing me right back down and hurting people that care about him (which seems selfish of me) or perhaps I should feel sorry for everyone but again, that won’t actually help anything.

I wish there was an easy way to feel how you’re supposed to but, of course there isn’t.

Maybe exploring this land will help me find how to feel again.

Welcome to the Land of the Uninhabited

Sitting on my bed this evening made me realize something. How alone I feel. The funny thing is that there are friends that I can talk to, I even want to, but something will not let that happen. Opening up isn’t the problem, multiple people have heard the horror stories that define me and they will still talk to me. In fact, opening up to a friend that was depressed has made them feel comfortable opening up to me and she’ll tell me how she feels and ask me for advice. Which is also part of the problem, I wish I could help more and I try but there’s not an easy answer to help someone battling depression.

It’s a losing battle for me as well. Even trying what feels like everything, nothing works. The first counselor told me my problems were too severe for her and she didn’t feel comfortable talking to me anymore. So, I was sent to this physiologist and that when on for like 5 months or so. I told her she can’t help me anymore and she said if that’s how I feel then I may be done. Apparently, her whole goal was to make me set goals for my future. For example, if a depressed teen doesn’t have any plans for after high school then perhaps they don’t plan on being around then.

Suicide sounds like such a nice option to me but there are people that care about me holding me back. Even though I’m not close with anyone I still don’t want to hurt someone. The same day I get honored for getting scholarships into college I’m thinking about not being around for college.

The empty feeling is what makes me this way. If only I felt close to someone, I might not stay up watching sad YouTube videos and listening to sad songs trying to cry. I can’t fucking cry. What the hell is wrong with me?

Maybe this is how I’m meant to be. Maybe not. Let’s find out as we explore the land of the uninhabited.